HE
SAID... SHE SAID...
HE SAID...
Men can’t win with Valentine’s Day. It is
easily the worst of all holidays. I very much admire
those who men get married on Valentine’s Day.
At least that man gets to “celebrate” Valentine’s
Day and his anniversery at the same time, thus combining
the two worst days of the year into one barely tolerable
day. As for the rest of us, we each fall into one of
three categories: Single, involved, or in between. No
matter which title describes you, Valentine’s
Day simply sucks.
Single Man:
Valentine’s Day is a holiday intended to punish
and humiliate the single man. It is society’s
annual attempt to keep the generations procreating by
reminding men how miserable they are without a woman.
Every aspect of the ritual reminds the single person
that he is alone, by glorifying every type of relationship
around him (even that of his drunken neighbors who smoke
cigarettes and have babies on the front lawn). Everyone
who is in a relationship is happy, and every single
man is not just single, he is alone.
Even if the single man is strong enough to get over
that, he still has to deal with the prospect of what
to do on Valentine’s Day. He can’t stay
at home (all the pharmacies in Arizona don’t carry
enough valium to keep that night from being depressing).
He can’t go out, as every single girl on earth
is either looking for her next husband or feeling “strong
and independent”. Neither is the type of girl
anyone wants to be around. Ever.
My advice: Try that valium idea anyway. If you start
early enough in the day, and mix it with some tequila,
you might pass out and wake up just in time for St.
Patrick’s Day. Now that’s a real holiday.
Relationship Man:
Next we have the “relationship man”. Valentine’s
Day is no treat for him either. From his perspective,
Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented by corporations
in order to drain him of whatever pride and money his
significant other hasn’t already taken. And who
could argue? Let’s assess what the relationship
man has to go through on Valentine’s Day. First,
he has to buy a gift of some relative monetary worth,
(in most cases at least $100) then follow it up with
flowers, chocolate and dinner at a place that doesn’t
serve Coors Light (oh, the humanity).
My advice: A “relationship man” friend of
mine once shared a great idea for Valentine’s
Day: Go to Tiffany’s, find the cheapest thing
there, have them put a bow on it and give it to her.
It’s still not a cheap option, but at least it
requires no thought and only about ten minutes of your
time.
The In-between Man:
This guy is totally screwed when February 14th comes
around. Not only will he have to spend as much money
as “relationship guy”, but he also has to
face the irrational new relationship’s female
over-anilization of everything.
The “in-between woman” is the most dangerous
and illogical woman of them all. Whatever time she has
left after watching reality shows, she spends gossiping
with her friends about what her boyfriend did or didn’t
do for her. According to this woman, every gift has
to be appropriate, and the standards for what is appropriate
(although totally insane) are strictly mapped out on
the walls of every hair salon throughout the country.
Buy something too cheap, and she might get pissed, buy
something too expensive, and “the in-between man”
might look overbearing.
My advice: Buy her a mop and a bucket. After she throws
a glass of Boone’s Farm in your face, go back
and read the “single man” paragraph. You’ll
be well on your way to surviving Valentine’s Day.
SHE SAID...
Isn’t Valentine’s Day supposed to be romantic?
Ever since we were young we have heard fairy tales of
Prince Charming, carriage rides and red roses. Little
girls carefully cut heart shapes out of construction
paper while donning their best pink ribbons in their
hair. Teachers read aloud of St. Valentine and the true
significance of brotherly love. Even your obnoxious
older brother would sport a red sweater and slyly leave
a pink carnation on his girlfriend’s locker. So
now that we are older, wiser and certainly more mature,
the question remains… What went wrong?
Gone are he days of passing out He-man and She-ra Valentines
to your little buddies. Now the festivities of February
14th can only be described as a hodge-podge of tears,
disappointment and alcohol abuse. Whether you are single,
coupled or casually dating Valentines Day is about survival.
Single Gals:
Can you say scary? All the late night karoke renditions
of “We will Survive” have still not lead
these “independent women” happiness. Instead
they have created a sort of Valentines Day panic, splitting
single women into what seems like two distinct V-day
categories: Those that think they desperately need a
man, and those that think they desperately don’t
need a man.
Now men, pay careful attention to what I am about to
tell you. Ready? Both types of women are the same. That’s
right – the chick telling everyone that she is
a sexy independent woman who does not need you, is exactly
the same as the needy chick that wants to rope you into
a relationship and drag you to the alter. The supposed
man-hater is the same as the man-wanter…and they
BOTH are on the prowl on Valentine’s day.
My Advice: Dudes… here is the real secret. Both
of these women are so desperate for loving, they might
actually have sex with you in an alcohol induced haze.
That’s right…if you play your cards right
instead of running away like a pansy, you actually might
get laid. So instead of fearing the single woman, embrace
her, literally.
Relationship-Gal:
All right ladies, you know what we want. One can pretend
all day long that your loving boyfriend has been preparing
a secret Valentines Day surprise to commemorate your
special bond. Perhaps he has prepared a romantic picnic
or a walk in the park. Maybe it is hot air-balloon ride
followed by strawberries and champagne. At the very
least it could be a little blue box filled with anything
from Tiffany. Most likely he has done none of the above
and at the last minute will scramble to pick up a crappy
Whitman Sampler and gold plated heart-shaped locket
at the swap-mart. Whoopee!
My Advice: Give up on the fantasy and just plan it yourself.
Schedule yourself for a day at the spa complete with
full-body massage, seaweed wrap, mani, pedi and all.
Send yourself red roses and Godiva Chocolate. Charge
it all to him. Believe me, no matter what it costs he
will be relieved that he did not have to be involved.
In Between- Gal:
Oh dear. This chick is a time bomb waiting to explode,
which is only intensified by the confusing signals her
date will send her. Men are clueless about how to prepare
a casual yet lightly romantic first Valentine’s
Day together. Usually, men either:
1. Pussy out on the whole ordeal leaving the girl stood-up,
confused and alone
2. Go overboard with gifts and attention, thus falsely
leading her to believe that he loves her and wants her
to be your steady girlfriend.
My Advice: Get back to basics and do Valentine’s
Day elementary school style. Give each other some Sponge-Bob
Squarepants cards that say things like “I like
you” or “Be mine”. Exchange red lolli-pops
or cute token gifts. Then go have a PG rated romp while
you chase each other on the playground, followed by
story-time (we now call that TV) and a nap.
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